Editor's note: "War stories" is a regular feature in which Art Shulman, president of Shulman Research, Van Nuys, Calif., presents humorous stories of life in the research trenches. Readers are invited to call or write Shulman with stories of their own. 

Recently, I was finalizing the details of a project in the office of a new client when a brownish moth fluttered in out of nowhere and into the space between us. I thrust out my hand and, to my surprise - and my client's consternation - the moth disappeared into my now closed hand.

I was prepared to accept complements for my proficiency and adeptness, for a demonstration to her of how I could take care of any contingency, for saving a damsel from a vile, clothes-eating creature, when she said, "That's revolting," and asked me to "take the moth, in whatever state it is now, outside."

She did not cancel the project, but on the other hand, she declined to shake my hand as I left.

Ken Rosenhek of The Pine Company cites a story told to him about a president of a large market research company whose presentation in the board room at his client's corporate headquarters was interrupted by the phone ringing. When the person answering the phone announced, "Someone wants to know if we have a 'Secksauer' here," one of the participants cracked. "Hell no! We don't even get a coffee break!"

Jamie Boyer of PG Research reports that his partner Todd Powers was conducting one-on-one interviews, with his clients viewing behind a one-way mirror and the interviews being audio and video taped, when one particularly buxom respondent began to complain about the temperature and removed her sweater. As the interview progressed, she continued to disrobe, piece by piece, ignoring the normally unflappable Powers's protests, until she was clad only in her underwear.

Behind the mirror the clients were hooting it up. Finally, the clients, helplessly laughing, let Power off the hook by interrupting the interview and informing him that they'd hired the stripper to break him down.

Now, why don't I have clients like that?

Focus group moderator Gary Friedan recalls riding in a limousine from the airport to a focus facility, along with a very important client. The limo driver, a burly woman in her 50s, was tailgating, much to Friedan's discomfort. So he asked her nicely not to stay so close behind the car in front of them. She continued to tailgate, and again Friedan nicely (at least he thought) asked her not to get so close. The woman swerved to the shoulder, stopped, turned around and told Friedan, "If you don't keep quiet you're out of this car right now! Understand?"

"Yes," Friedan answered meekly, wondering what his important client thought of him now. He also thought, "There goes your tip, lady."

By the way, the name of Friedan's client that day was Danny Kaye. Yes! Now the director of Research Applause, that's his real name. (Know any other marketers with a celebrity name? Send me their name and affiliation.)

Nancy Levine reports that in a ride-and-drive car study she conducted, a respondent who was curious about trunk space unscrewed his artificial leg and crawled into the trunk. Nancy resisted the temptation to shut the trunk behind him.

Shelley Donow of Donow & Associates tells about a telephone interview conducted with a high-level executive who was asked to rate the statements using a 1 to 10 scale. When the interviewer got to the eleventh statement the respondent replied, "I can't answer that one," which was the same answer he gave when the next statement was read. When the interviewer asked why he couldn't rank it, this high-powered leader of men and women said, "I have no numbers left. I used them all up."

What's wrong with those people who can't understand the simple difference between rating and ranking?