Editor's note: "War Stories" is a regular feature in which Art Shulman, president of Shulman Research, Van Nuys, Calif., presents humorous stories of life in the research trenches.
Recently, my six-year-old stepson John made my day. During kindergarten graduation ceremonies, each of the children was asked what he or she wanted to be when they grew up. After hearing a slew of children choose policeman or fireman or teacher, it was refreshing to hear John unequivocally state, "I want to be a research guy."
Turns out that rather than being intrigued by conceptual issues of attitude measurement and sample development, John was intrigued by all the toy testing we do. When he grows up, he wants a job where he can play with toys all day. As far as John is concerned, that's what market research is - playing with toys. The kid is in for a rude awakening!
Tony Kaye of Haagen-Dazs Company tells of conducting a survey in England some years ago where interviewers were sent to the homes of nerve tonic buyers. One interviewer was received at the door by a very elderly man who explained that his wife, the intended respondent, had only recently passed away. The interviewer, unwilling to be thwarted by such a trivial technicality, proceeded with the questionnaire on the wife's behalf, asking, for example, "How often did she take it in the last seven days?" (The answer was none, since the woman had died before that), and "Did the nerve tonic cause an improvement in your wife's condition?" (Apparently not a strong enough improvement.)
It's not always the respondents who are elderly. Jack Ross of J. Ross Associates reports on a study he conducted at the drive-through area of a well-known fast food chain. Around 10 o'clock in the evening, in a not so nice area of town, their diligent, elderly male interviewer approached an attractive young female in a convertible, with the customary introduction, "Excuse me, miss. I'm conducting a survey for [client] and I'd like to ask a few questions."
Whereupon, the young "lady" lifted up her skirt and said, "Survey this!" Needless to say, she was not wearing anything under her skirt. Ross reports that fortunately, the interviewer did not have a heart attack and was able to resume his task after a short rest.
Speaking of clothes - or the lack of them - Yvonne Filla of Quality Controlled Services tells about an experience from the last time she personally went on a door-to-door survey.
A middle-aged male respondent asked her to wait in the living room, which was devoid of furniture. The gentleman explained that the living room lacked furniture because he owned dogs. He then excused himself. When he returned a few minutes later, he was naked, with two huge Great Danes by his side. Somehow Filla managed to leave the domicile without being bitten - either by the dogs or the man.
Decision Data Collection's Dale Brown reports a survey he conducted among large groups of Marines on race relations and equal opportunity in the military. Each research team was staffed by a bi-racial crew. The researchers introduced themselves - the white male, Mr. Brown, and his partner, an African-American named Mr. White.
During the survey work, a senior officer would occasionally say something like, "You say your survey's anonymous, but since I'm the only E-8 here with 22 years service you can't tell me you won't be able to tell which survey is mine."
Mr. Brown's typical response usually gained cooperation: "The Privacy Act is a federal law that prohibits me from telling anyone how you or any other individual answered any of these questions. Frankly, it isn't worth risking 10 years of my life in Leavenworth to divulge what your individual opinions are on this subject."
Tara J. Abrams of Columbia House reports mail studies she used to conduct in the pharmaceutical field, where physicians were asked, "In what state do you practice?" Some of the write-in answers were: "Denial," "Confusion," and "Psychosis."