Editor’s note: Back by popular demand after a short absence, "War Stories" is a regular feature in which Art Shulman, president of Shulman Research, Van Nuys, Calif., presents humorous stories of life in the research trenches.

As sales director for Computers for Marketing Corp., Joyce Rachelson sends out a lot of demo disks of thecompany’s software. Recently she got a phone call from prospective client who seemed upset because he couldn’t get the demo to run. When Rachelson asked what message he saw on his computer screen, he told her, "Hit Any Key to Continue."

The potential client went on to say that he couldn’t find the "any" key on his keyboard.

That reminds me of an experience of a marketer who prefers anonymity. While dealing with an insurance matter, she received a form back from the insurance company with the name of the insured listed as (we’re using a fictitious name here) "John Smith The Second." The marketer contacted the insurance company and was directed to the clerk who prepared the form. When the clerk was asked why the name wasn’t spelled
"John Smith II" as it was in the original documentation sent to the insurance company, she explained, "My typewriter doesn’t have Roman numerals."

Gerald Linda of Gerald Linda & Associates tells about a focus group he was involved with that explored direct mail. One consumer had been a heavy user of direct mail for years and had even purchased the cremation of her husband by mail! The body was shipped to the company that was supposed to cremate Harry and send back the remains in an urn. Unfortunately, the package containing the urn was lost in the mail and the poor woman never found out where Harry’s ashes were.

I wonder if she checked with the dead letter department at the post office.

Linda once saw a moderator ask focus group participants to suggest which type of animal personified (animalified?) the client’ s brand. A respondent immediately suggested the South African springbok!

Linda doesn’t indicate whether the client designed a whole advertising campaign around this observation.

Warren Weiss of Warren Weiss Associates tells about a survey where, in response to the question, "Please check what level of education you’ve completed," one bright Ph.D. checked all the boxes.

That reminds me of a survey we once conducted among subscribers to a biker magazine, where 10 percent of the respondents (heavily skewed to riding Harley-Davidsons) indicated they were currenfly in jail and responding from there. That sure messed up our question on household size. One subscriber indicated he was part of a throng of 8,000 (all of his fellow inmates), while another reported there were two in his cell, "including yourself."

Moderator Saul Cohen of Saul Cohen & Associates reports that during interviews on electric irons, a woman reported receiving the client’ s product 11 years ago as a wedding present. When Cohen asked if it still worked, the woman inquired, "The iron or the marriage?"

"Whichever," answered Cohen. To which the woman sighed, "Well, the iron still gets hot."

Cohen also tells about a focus goup on pet food. When pet owners were asked ab out their reaction to the idea of the product containing pigs’ ears, a woman piped up, "I wouldn’t give it to my dog. It’s a Jewish dog."