Editor’s note: "War Stories" is a regular feature in which Art Shulman, president of Shulman Research, Van Nuys, Calif., presents humorous stories of life in the research trenches.

Some years ago I conducted in-depth interviews with frequent fliers for my client, a major airline. Respondents were shown some literature the airline was considering using to describe itself, and asked their opinions of it.

A few days after my report was issued, the airline’s director of research called me, and said he had a little problem. He’d just received a memo from the cost-conscious airline president, with a letter attached from one of our respondents, who wrote the president, "I like your airline so much that I would have come in to do the interview for free, had I known you sponsored it."

"Why," the president sternly asked the director of research, "are we paying these people when they would do it for nothing?"

Some more reasons shoppers have given for not completing their shops, as reported by Susan Meyer, whose company, National Shopping Service, performs mystery shopping:

  • "My husband died last week, my son died this week, and my daughter just got put in the hospital. I completely forgot about the report."
  • "My husband beat me up, I moved back to my parents, and I just found out I’m pregnant. Can I call you later?"
  • "I’m in labor right now, and I just called to tell you I will not be able to do my shop."
  •  "It was dark outside."
  • "A telephone pole fell in front of my driveway, so I can’t get out to do the shop."
  • "There’s seven feet of snow outside."

Sometimes, Meyer has to contact mystery shoppers who haven’t turned in reports, and reaches a relative instead.

Here’s what some of them have said:

  1. (Relative) "Oh, he passed away."
  2. (Husband) "She left me... I don’t think she did it."
  3. (Relative) "Oh, he moved to Australia for a mission last week."

Karen Hendersin reports that her company, Quality Education Data, maintains a database of all schools in the country, from which it collects information. One of the questions refers to Internet use. When one respondent was asked to rate her school’s use of the Internet she rated it "zero" and stated that their school was "still at the rest stop of the information highway."

Market researchers work hard, often stripping themselves bare for their clients. But there is a limit. Margaret Roller of Roller Marketing Research tells about a goup she was moderating with men, where the room was very stuffy. After Roller commented on the stuffy room, and one of the men seriously suggested, "Take your blouse off."

Roller declined.

Ricardo Lopez of Qualitative Video once heard a woman say that she tried for days to fax a hard copy of a one-page document via her computer, but couldn’t. She said the "help" file said to "Make sure you hold the fax on the screen before attempting to hit the send button." She kept holding the piece of paper on the screen but it would not work!

Cheryl Simer recalls a focus goup she conducted on bras, where one of her responsibilities was to dress a mannequin with various prototypes, and then obtain consumer reaction. Rushed for time, she had hurriedly put the bras on the mannequin. The fourth bra to be evaluated suddenly began to slip upward and snapped off the form, shooting up two feet in the air. The consumers took it in stride. With slightly disapproving looks they said they were not very interested in bras that did that!